Tuesday, May 5, 2009

MasterMum : The Pitch

Ever had one of those brilliant 2am ideas that just won’t leave your head until you’ve written it down? Happened to me last night…a fantastic idea for a new reality TV program (based loosely on some other show to do with cooking).

I call it “MasterMum…the search for Australia’s best amateur mother”. The premise is that contestants must compete in a series of challenges until just one MasterMum remains. While still in development, here are just a few of the challenges…let me know what your MasterMum tests would be!

Pantry challenge
The scenario: It’s 5pm on the day before payday. The kids are feral and you only have the following ingredients in the pantry and fridge: three-day-old bread; rice bubbles; baked beans; yoghurt; chocolate; wine; milk and cheese.

Your challenge is to make an edible and nutritious dinner for the entire family in 30 minutes.

Points are lost for any food spat out, smeared on walls, or for point-blank refusal to eat.

Mystery Handbag challenge
The scenario: You are being a good mother and have taken your kids to the park instead of sitting them in front of the tv for an hour. Suddenly, the baby does an explosive nappy and you dig in your handbag only to discover you have left your wipes at home.

You must clean the hideous mess using only the contents of your handbag. You empty it to reveal: an old, scrunched up used tissue; several bandaids; a felt tip pen without a lid; a small notebook; a dried up tube of lipgloss; a nappy; two nappy bags; approximately 20 receipts; and a spare pair of underwear for your two-year-old.

Points are lost for swearing and any leakage of nappy contents onto clothes (theirs’ or yours’.)

Speed Challenge
The scenario: Your baby is currently staying up for around two hours before channelling Linda Blair from the Exorcist and needing to be put back to bed.

You must complete the following challenge within 120 minutes: get baby up; change nappy; breastfeed or bottle baby; make sure handbag has all necessary equipment for supermarket trip (purse, nappies, etc); run around trying to find baby’s hat; put hat on baby’s head; get baby in car; drive to supermarket; buy contents of shopping list while keeping baby happy in trolley; pay for groceries while making silly faces at baby to stave off tired grizzling; pack groceries in car; drive home; take baby back inside house; run between house and car unpacking shopping bags; put cold items in fridge and freezer while jiggling baby on hip; check baby’s nappy; change if necessary; put baby to bed.

Points lost for each supermarket tantie and for baby falling asleep in the car on the way home.

Whoever emerges unscathed, free from food and poo, and with some semblance of sanity wins!

12 comments:

Bells said...

Genius.

Emily said...

How about the 'Getting the baby to sleep" challenge:

Each contestant is given a 3-12 week old baby who has been screaming for 4 hours straight. Their nappy is clean, they have just been fed, they may or may not have a sore tummy, they are swaddled firmly & the temperature in the room is the appropriate 18-20 degrees recommended to avoid SIDS.

The first mother to soothe the screaming, overtired, possibly colicky baby to sleep, whilst fending off unsolicited advice and interruptions (just when the baby starts to be drifting off) from:
-Mother-in-law ("poor wee bub's got a sore tummy, don't you bubby-wubby");
-friend with no children ("just leave it in bed, if you molly-coddle them they'll just get spoilt"); &
-Mother ("why don't you give me a try?"), wins.

Great idea! Get patenting before someone from a television network reads your blog & steals it!

Barb Fisher said...

I may not win, but for the first challenge I would grab the bottle of wine, clear out the pantry and then crawl in and close the door.

shon said...

Definitely need a 'Getting to work' challenge. Written below is an email I sent on the 18/3/08 friends on a morning I had a radio interview at 11am and could act as a basis;

Started 3.30am with Noah coughing up a lung (I'll make a guess at 20 minutes sleep before alarm went off at 6.30am), make lunches, have a shower and get dressed (skirt with unshaved legs, black top with white bra), make girls brekky all with Noah draped across my shoulder with a raging temp, call doctors surgery at 8am, redial 1 million times, get through, wait on the line FOREVER for 9.20am appointment, try to get panadol down Noahs throat he spits it at me all over my face and hair, get tissue and do quick clean (panadol in hair is not a good look but matches rest of my outfit), look for Sophie find her outside on trampoline covered in red dust and bird shit, quick change, sign the three million notes that came home yesterday (for godsake aren't most teachers working mums!!), wrap up green cookies baked at 11.00pm night before for f%#@ing St Pat's day and head out door, remember that I have forgotten Noah who is squeezing tooth paste all over himself and bathroom (trust me the toothpaste is still there!!), get girls to school, go to doctors, get Noah from car seat and he vomits phlem all down the front of my black top and all over himself, swear really really loudly, doctors surgery - 45 minute wait at 9.20am!, go to chemist, Noah now very tired and sick and looking to destroy everything in his path, go to mum's, get Noah to sleep, borrow top and bra from mum which are both too tight because I'm at least 10 kilos overweight, race to work, 10.58 - find a message on my desk that radio wants to do interview tomorrow as the 'male' presenter had a sore throat!!!!!

M said...

Fabulous, definitely pitch it. I'd fail the first challenge - my kids would spit out the food (and they are too old to do that now).

There has to be a challenge about competitive parenting. Oh no, you mean she isn't crawling? My Sophie/Jack/Daniel was crawling at 5 months...

ninaribena said...

Ooooh, it's brilliant.

How about the two kids out in public challenge? Each parent must take 2 children under the age of 4 to a civilised public area occupied by generally well-behaved adults (eg: gallery library exhibition cafe etc). Points are rewarded based on noise level and compliance. You may use an unlimited amount of snacks and the contents of your handbag (see mystery handbag challenge) to keep them amused/quiet. Points lost for loss of composure (child or adult) and/or property damage.

ninaribena said...

...improving on my challenge, 2 groups should meet and the adults must attempt conversation. The parents will be tested for their memory of said conversations one hour later.

Knorts said...

Someone has to option this......

Alycia said...

Superb, but along the same lines as Barb... kind of... I'm left wondering why the day before payday there is still wine or chocolate left? Shouldn't that be long gone!

Cerry said...

I'd watch it, and I don't watch reality TV, except for Idol (yes, shame on me, I know).
In addition to current stipulations of supermarket challenge, points are lost for children throwing items out of trolley, grabbing stuff that isn't on the list, putting stuff in their mouth and slobbering all over it before it can go through checkout, refusing to give up item so it can go through checkout and screaming when item taken (holding out item for scanning with movable scanner OK though). Bonus points for baby smiling/waving/giggling when spoken to by non-mother people, rather than crying as soon as contact is initiated, and mother making checkout operator believe that she actually is good/fine/not too bad/any answer other than "I want to throw my child out a window"/crap when asked how she is at register.

m.e (Cathie) said...

how funny is that! I just had to laugh firstly at the 2am brainstorming as I was guilty of that just this morning.
as for reality tv about the lives of mums, brilliant, afterall, we are all mastermums in our own right. x

Market Girl said...

How about the talk on the phone for 2 minutes without anyone interrupting you even once challenge. This would be a challenge level with bonus points if you can get through the phone call without the kids eating everything in the pantry, the one you have just cleaned!